(Unlike Malcolm Gladwell's latest book, I can assure you that the people we interact with are by all definitions of the word, strangers.)
Since starting the #jiakbabuay initiative midway through Circuit Breaker, we have pondered long and hard about the challenges and difficulties people face interacting with our elderly. Initially, we or at least I, had naively assumed that Singaporeans would be more comfortable interacting with their own grandparents and hence more willing to take up the challenge. Not long after we first publicised the initiative though, it soon dawned on me that that was and is clearly not the case. Don’t get me wrong, interacting with the elderly on a regular basis, regardless of whether they are related to you or not, is considered strange for the majority of Singaporeans or at least Singaporean youths. And yes, I am not talking about that ‘kopitiam’ uncle / auntie you go to to fill your tummies nor the friendly cleaner whom you (hopefully) greet. Reflecting on why this may be the case, I deduced a few possible reasons:
- Poor relationships with one grandparents / parents
- Elderly suffering from ___ illness
- Unwillingness to face the awkwardness not just before and during the call, but after, when things return back to normal. For instance, one may think, “Am I expected to continue calling them after the Circuit Breaker? Won’t it be even more awkward when I next meet them?” As somebody who has participated in all the programmes dished out from this initiative, I dare say without qualification, “No, it will not be awkward. As long as your grandparents are understanding, they will know when you are in a particularly busy part of your life. In fact, more often than not, they hate to ‘disturb’ their own children / grandchildren and hate to be a ‘burden’. However much time we actually want to spend with them is entirely up to us.”
- Language barriers
Also, apart from people being hesitant to start calling their grandparents, the initiative totally left out the group who already are on good terms with their grandparents.
These reasons, coupled with our desire to serve those in greater need, has led us to source for ways we can connect Singaporeans to elderly who may not be on best terms with their loved ones / who may not have any loved ones left. On 22 May Friday, we were honoured to have been able to support AWWA’s elderly beneficiaries by providing immediate companionship to them till the end of circuit breaker. While we may not have much time left, as one of our volunteers mentioned, ‘better late than never’! Our volunteers were given a simple but important role to call their respective beneficiaries daily at an allotted time and reflect on their conversation thereafter. Since then, we have garnered a significant amount of insight for conversations with someone at least 2 generations apart and whom we have never met in-person. Hoping to pay it forward, we will be updating this blog with 1 new insight daily that we hope will help to broaden your perspectives, just like it has done for us!
Day 1: Remembering the 'Kampung Spirit' from the one with Dementia
Speaking to somebody medically diagnosed with dementia, I was pretty apprehensive to start with. Could she have forgotten that there was supposed be a scheduled conversation today? What if she just hung up thinking that I was a scammer? Thankfully, soon after starting our conversation, my fears were quickly allayed as she was really willing to engage in a conversation with a complete stranger. Personally, just seeing a foreign phone number displayed on my phone makes me highly suspicious. Granted, she may have been well briefed over the phone by the staff from AWWA before I called her. Nevertheless, I attribute her willingness to trust as a remnant of the 'kampung spirit' she must have embraced back when life was so much slower and the interdependence between the community and the individual (Or individual families) played a much more vital role in the lives of all Singaporeans. I do not dare say that I know how this must have felt, but I am sure that as long as one ever listened to or read about the stories of a Singaporean over the age of 40, you would imagine one big family living together, not individual families living side-by-side.[1] Today, society favours self-reliance and independence. Some still frown upon the poor and those who rely on taxpayers’ money for support. While I do feel that the stigma against the lower class is reducing, it will not be surprising to find someone believing that all who are in poverty brought it upon themselves for they were / are lazy[2]. Anyways, without going off-topic, my impression of the community we live in today is one where we are much more likely to fend for ourselves than to proactively help one another out - filming indecent behaviour discreetly for instance. Before my call today, I felt that all that was left of the mythological ‘kampung spirit’ are the huge Community Centres dotting our island today, attempting to revive what was long gone, but really acting like huge funeral homes instead, where people come to remember what it must have been like to embrace such a thing.
As a true blue Singaporean, I am a culprit myself, finding it awkward to even greet my neighbours. However, through the brief conversation I had, it gives me hope and a vision of what it could be like if that communal spirit was revived in all of us. For if a humble and loving lady medically diagnosed with dementia can embrace it so willingly just as she had embraced our conversation, surely the rest of us can do better.
Day 2: Acceptance from the forgotten
As the elderly beneficiaries were paired with the volunteers, we ensured that there would be as little language barrier as possible. Hence, I was paired with someone who could speak ‘English and a bit of mandarin’, exactly how I would describe myself. :)
On my very first call though, I soon realised that my beneficiary preferred to speak in Mandarin and despite my mind working on overdrive preparing myself to utilise the language I have hitherto only used confidently to order food, the words that came out quickly sounded foreign to my ears, at least for the first few seconds.
Before my elderly friend realised how poor my Mandarin was and laughed secretly in her mind, I readily acknowledged that my Mandarin was worse than my English. She laughed it off, saying, “华文人需要讲华文的吗。如果你不能讲就不是华文了咯。”In other words, a Chinese must be able to speak Chinese. If you cannot speak Chinese, then you are not Chinese.
Challenge accepted.
Surprised by such a blunt remark, I was motivated, probably more so than any other Chinese class I have ever attended, to speak well. Accompanied by my trusty Chinese dictionary, I am thankful that our conversations thus far have been fruitful and diverse. What I am most grateful for however, is her patience and understanding when I stumble or take a while to phrase my ideas into a coherent sentence. At times, I still break into English to which she understands and responds earnestly. While I appreciate her patience, I wondered why it seemed to be absent in the rest of us. I am sure we are all guilty of judging others quickly and critically at some point in our lives instead of offering to help them. Could the fast-paced and cutthroat society we live in make it totally intolerable for us to patiently help others out and compel us to laugh indiscriminately at other’s inadequacy instead? Or perhaps it is simply a natural response to tease someone that speaks awkwardly first so as to reduce any tension when one subsequently tries to correct the speaker. Either ways, I do think it would be a lot more beneficial for all of us, if we were more accepting of other’s mistakes, sensitive to others’ insecurities and above all, patient and willing to guide them as a friend or simply, a fellow human being.
Day 3: Filial Piety - A rare virtue?
Learning that my beneficiary is a Christian or at least, accepts the Christian faith through my very first interaction, I took the opportunity to share more about the message I received online today (Sunday) as she unfortunately, does not have any means to connect with any online Church services. If I am going to be honest, the sermon today was more profound than usual, with a few of the learning points being more complex. Still, I shared about our need to be compassionate to others’ needs, not just their spiritual ones but all of their human needs, if we ever want to share the Good News with others. I did this to give her a glimpse of how people were adapting to the new normal and hopefully remind her that God is still and always will be with her.
From then on, the rest of our conversation was surprisingly complex, certainly going further than ‘How was your day?’ or ‘What did you eat today?’. What constantly amazes me during and after every conversation, is her depth of thought. For instance, when I was sharing with her that the young have difficulty sleeping at night compared to the elderly who generally sleeps and wakes up early, she exclaimed, “这是因为你们浪费太多时间了。晚上你们做什么？玩游戏或跟朋友聊天对吗？””It is because all of you waste too much time already! Do you not play and talk to your friends at night?” And for the rest of us who may disagree but still somehow suffers from insomnia, “你们想太多了。” “You think too much at night.”
I don’t know about you, but I would give such a reply full marks without question.
Moving on, if there was one life advice she wanted me to know, I am certain that it would be the importance of filial piety. Talking about the benefits of staying in a school’s hostel – No travel time – she immediately remarked, “Less travel time for you, but more money spent by your parents.” What surprised me was not the insight, but that that was her most immediate concern. It may seem obvious that someone estranged from their family deems filial piety to be of utmost importance. The more sensitive may even regard her sharing as a longing for her loved ones. Notwithstanding her reasons for sharing about the importance of filial piety, I found it extremely befitting and courageous of her to speak out about it. To be sure, I did not urge her to share anything related to her family, safeguarding her privacy. So, as she went on to explain coherently about the importance of filial piety, it was an extremely realistic push factor for me; Otherwise, you may just see yourself on the receiving end of such treatment one day.
Day 4: Having a Moral Compass
It wasn’t something I expected to be lectured on, but certainly a pleasant surprise! To be fair, going into the program with AWWA and subsequently being paired with the elderly beneficiaries, I didn’t know what to expect at all.
The senior I was paired with was a man who had worked many years within the police force, amongst other professions. In great detail, he told me many tales of all different kinds of experiences, but above all he always seemed to come to a certain conclusion at the end; nothing beats a good work ethic. Having served under many different bosses, he told me the importance of honesty, hard work and loyalty. He’d also relish in telling stories of his time working as a personal driver for a family, where they’d come to trust him immensely through his work ethics.
“There were so many times that I’d find rings, earrings, or even my Tao-Kae’s (boss) wallet in the car! But I will always return it to them the next morning.” – and after recounting any of his stories he’d always end it by telling me that it was the right thing to do, therefore the only thing to do. At his own expense, he would forgo meals to settle errands for his Tao-Kae, even being entrusted to deposit large sums of cash in the bank. Through his actions over the years, he built an amazing relationship with his boss, and it was returned in kindness. He would get extra money for meals on top of his salary, and he happily tell me how he’d be pleased to bring home more money for his wife and children.
Beyond money or education, lies good moral values and character. In just a few conversations this point was drilled into me. It was certainly a rhetoric that I had heard countless times over the years, but it was a very different perspective to take in when these lessons came from a man who had worked for more than 50 years. In all his years of work, the one thing that pulled him through life to excel in whatever he did was his unshakable morals and his strive to do his best in anything he had been tasked with. It didn’t matter the job or the situation, none of these defined the man he was and always will be.
“Character is simply habit long lived.” – Plato
Both Plato and my elderly friend certainly had this point right, and I would venture to say we could all benefit from learning from this. Are you as a person right now true to your own values and morals? I’d definitely say I try my best to do so, and I may not be or will never be perfect, but I’ll do whatever I can to be founded upon a good sense of character and moral compass. There is no fault in trying and failing, and I do hope more people share the same sentiments as me.
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